When I was young, and it was young
It followed me everywhere like a kitten
And with me it would pounce on every
Toy I didn't have.
As we both grew, and wearied of toys,
Its eyes would turn to all the girls
I knew, and liked; or didn't know
but liked anyway. But already I had
Begun not to trust it. Its claws
Had grown exceedingly sharp, and
It was often careless about them.
At last I told it that we couldn't
Be friends any more. It laughed,
And rode on my back like a monkey,
Cackling and gibbering at my pitiful
Attempts to free myself.
Eventually, though, I learned to
Ignore the pain. If I couldn't be
Completely free of it, at least
I could act as if it wasn't there.
And I noticed it less and less.
It didn't like that. So when I finally
Fell headfirst in love,
And didn't clutch,
And held my hands wide open for her
To love whomever she chose ...
There came at last the night she chose
Another. Seeing its opening,
It came at me brandishing my pain,
My silent screaming loneliness like a sword,
My tear-moistened pillow its shield;
And I was naked, defenseless
Except for a sense of justice
And my love for her.
It never had a chance. Afterward, it left.
That was 20 years ago. I never saw it again,
Until one day recently, as I sat
In quiet meditation, I heard
A soft scratching at the door,
And I knew it had returned.
Knowing what must be done, I arose,
And went to the door, and opened it.
"Hello old friend," I said, gently,
"Won't you come in and have a seat?
Would you like some tea? It's been
Such a long time, you must
Have some interesting tales to tell."
July 24, 1993
I wrote this poem and posted it to rec.arts.poems and alt.polyamory on July 24th, 1993 in response to another poem of the same title by Mary Anne Mohanraj ("Kateri"). I read her poem, went "Really? I feel more like this ...", and the poem poured out in one continuous stream.