Welcome to Adult school, this is Incurable, Remedial Romance 101. I notice everyone is wearing all sorts of poly-logos. I myself prefer the one that looks like a Greek parrot being strangled by an infinity symbol with its heart spelling out, "Somemore someless somewould if they were invited". Mr. Derleth had a bad case of Mythosfluenza and couldn't teach today. I am Miss Lovelorn, your last minute, quicky, substitute teacher for this class. I usually teach animal husbandry to farmers, but I got some nice, hot tips. Men, be you all upstanding. And you ladies fiddling with your love charms, these tips will start you up on sweet ecstasy's royal way. I shall be available after class for any intimate issues you may have...
When it comes to successful love connections a keen sense of opportunity never hurts. Of course none of us here would ever be devious or use our knowledge to our own advantage... You folks in the back, yeah you making giddy moon-eyes and playing with your hair, you stay after school!
If everyone else but you seems to be getting flowers and candy from admirers, and even the sod who's still wearing open-collar, polyester shirts and gold chains is managing to score consistently, and you are thinking you deserve unforgettable intrigues and record-breaking romance, don't be a humbug... It's time to develop your opportunities and increase your chances for fruitful, social contacts.
These are workable tips anybody can apply.
1) Be real with yourselves about your needs and what you are looking for.
Sit yourselves down and take stock inventory of your needs and expectations. This is especially valid at every new, beginning point. So many have loose and vascillating compasses of unrealistic expectations that spin to no expectations and desparation. I'm speaking of honestly identifying and prioritizing your wants and needs. Be brutal but not so as to be perfectionists about this. You must always leave some room for flexibility and negotiation. Couples and moresomes be gentle and tactful with each other; do not nag this out, honestly appraise your needs and listen to each person's feelings unjudgementally. Trust comes first and last. Take all the time you need to explore your needs together. The art of prompting out the best in each other is covered in the prerequisite, Liberal Arts courses, Know Thyself Ia and Functional Relationship Development I. These are in the syllabus under Emotional Maturity.
Identify and prioritize your romantic and relationship goals. This is not only towards finding potentially companionable partners, but it's about not wasting time and energy on disappointing false trails and dead-end alleys. Couples and moresomes use this also to define and refine a fuller vision of your individual and mutual viewpoints, that you not spring the wrong sorts of suprises on each other, and to perhaps clarify such conflicts of interest and problematic areas you should encounter. He or she may not be ready to handle an unexpected visitor in the night with baggage in stow. Or you might find your partner has capacities and resources you never discovered and wild, venturous fantasies that would make the World's Biggest Gang Bang seem paltry and anemic. But more, it's the intimate matters of heart, of personal involvement, sharing compersion's pleasures, and self-understanding that is developed from these exchanges. If done with heart these exchanges can lead to deepening, romantic encounters.
Now's the time to outpicture the attributes of the other(s) you seek to meet and have a relationship with, and this is certainly crucial in determining life-partners. Physical attributes, career, avocational pursuits, personalities, educational factors and spiritual/religious elements, personal values..... list these out and compare these (if applicable). Prioritizing these attributes helps you not get too stuck in unrealistic expectations. For instance, don't be too picky about physical attributes as the more important ingredients in relationships are more often than not the more internal qualities that blossom with care into splendors so rare. So again, be flexible and negotiate.
2) What makes you worthwhile as a person(s) that others will find attractive?
You're unique... you've something special to offer that makes it wonderfully enjoyable to be near you and handpicked from all others. What can you do to improve this? What makes you hide this quality? If it's hard to be objective, or you are just too complex, get some other opinions. But don't count on their sight. These might not recognize you for your true-self's ability to be and make others aware of what love-gods and goddesses they are. And maybe your talents are undervalued in one world but are highly revered in another... Wisdom and creativity don't always get attention on the street. But I'll tell you, the aura of self-confidence that people have when they know how unique they really are is irresistible...admit it, you would give it up for quirky, Danny Devito or an aging Vanessa Redgrave (you pick out your own undying flame, I fell for Vanessa a long time ago and still was smitten by her in Mission Impossible).
3) First impressions are powerful.
The first five minutes are sooo important. Initial impressions rarely change much at all after the first encounter. This doesn't mean to put on some mask. It just means making first impressions work in your favor. Somebody that might be put off by a certain mannerism may be blown off their feet if you show you aren't basing your self-worth on merely their judgement. Project and convey the totality of your character with an energetic expression of your soul. Be bold! Greet them with direct acknowledgement, don't be inhibited by whatever they appear to think. Very importantly, look them in the eye or do the same in your correspondence, if that's the case. The secret is to size them up for their assets and to acknowledge these. When you walk away you will linger on their minds like a sweet savor... again, confidence is attractive in a man or a woman... but only if it's real and natural, not because you trust your new deoderant.
This includes you ladies, no matter your recieved, social conditioning, contact is everything. Get out and be a presence. Show you are interested in others that tickle your fancy and fascinate you. By all means tell people they do that for you! Be approachable. It doesn't hurt to flirt as I've heard tell. Wade through the entourage of admirers about the object of your interest with a warm smile meant for that person. Ask open-ended questions, and along the way be sincere and speak about your poly inclinations in terms of asking, "You are such a delight. Don't you find that there's many who find you so very desirable? There's a saying I heard that says, Life is short but it can be very wide... Don't you find life and relationships are always a new adventure?" These can't be used as slick come-ons...rather as friendly, ice-breaking questions that elicit conversations that don't need to go anywhere more than good conversations between new-found acquaintances, that once underway can develop and then you might ask if they would like to meet again to continue getting to know each other.
5) Friendship first.
Learn about the other. Listen and discover what are their interests and passions without qualifying what those interests and passions should be, then listen some more. Also give them a chance to enjoy your interests and passions. Trust me here. it is through consistancy in your expression of acceptance, respect, and in your show of appreciation and subtle little displays of affection that trust is to be grown. Make your moves like you are discovering a new continent. Get on good terms with the natives and don't be like the Conquistadors or Miles Standish... be more an anthropologist, archeologist, or like those guys on Star Treck who follow the unobtrusive Prime Directive. That tasks us with great care in approaching new life and new civilisations.
Enjoy the process. I had a vacume salesperson come to my house the other week. He was damn good. He approached each moment like he was a Zen master, living in the immediate. He didn't care if he sold anything. He was celebrating each moment, because he enjoyed meeting new people and learning. I thought of those hunting dances that natives do before going out after provender for their village. They have this sensitive attitude to the gods. If anything goes wrong in their dance they postpone the hunt...because they are listening to these deeper instincts like the inner say that makes animals know when there's danger, like approaching storms, earthquakes, and they seem to be able to judge people with uncanny kenning. He made a sale. But I dickered him way down. My manna was good, but so was his.
Keep focused but flexible in reaching goals...trust those instincts...and don't be apologetic about being yourself... Needs conflicts? Just go lightly...lighten up and enjoy making the most of the occassion, but just get out to the occassion. And don't let's be so desparate. It's a dance, and a dance is just a dance...and may lead to nothing or everything.
Ok, class is dismissed. Whose going to help me clean the chalkboard, hmmm?
Last updated: 01 Oct 97